Fake smiles.

A few days ago I was in a cab, my cab driver was Jamaican. He asked my mom if I was her daughter, somehow it went from that, to somehow being about the fact that I do not smile.

Eventually he was spouting the same things other people tell me. He was going on about Christianity, and smiling and being positive. I kept say "yeah" "sure" "umm...okay?" and just nodding my head and well, smiling...it was the only thing I honestly could do in the situation.

I may have mentioned before that I am Agnostic...an agnostic in a conservative Pentecostal family. I have often said to others if I ever went back to organized religion it would be Non-denominational, because I don't think I could ever go back to anything like Pentecostal. The only ways I'd ever go back was if God somehow led me back to that monstrosity of a denomination or if I married a pentecostal guy. But I highly doubt I will ever marry someone. I see myself as part of the statistic of black women likely NOT to marry...it comes with living in a racially self segregated state.

I despise atheists...and I also despise conservative christians simply because they are one in the same. Both are intent on forcing their beliefs on you.

It irks me though when everyone always says "go to God" and other things such as that to help me out. No one listens when I say, "I don't even know if I believe in God".

I read the Bible (NCV format, for now at least), I ask questions about stuff I read in Bible study. Its not like im not trying, but I seriously wish people would stop always giving God as the answer.

Next, I despise the "think positive and smile" approach. I am not goign to fake smile when I am upset. I don't care if it makes someone uncomfy by me not smiling. I don't like to smile whatsoever.

I am a negative realist. Does it make me more depressed and angry? obviously it does, but the negatives are more important than the positives.

People keep throwing solutions to me that honestly are not reasonable for me. I am always hearing people say they have problems similar to mine, even if it stems from something different, but they fail to realize that what works for them won't work for me.

Maybe thats the true reason I am on this journey to self discovery, because I am truly sick of other peoples so called "help".